SSYTTC08 – Full Circle
I would describe this course as: full circle. I left to set out for the course excited and was very happy when I arrived at the venue. From the first session I was absorbing all I could – like a sponge sucking in water. And the knowledge, though having heard it before the course, seemed deeper. Each day was different and each day I looked forward to what new thing I would learn. And as is with every course, it is a journey into yourself.
During the course, Tim told us that the gunas change every two and a half days. It starts with the tama guna then two and a half days later changes to raja guna and ends with sattwa guna. So if we feel dull, or irritable, or alert, then it is because of the gunas. What I found interesting was my mood seemed to be in opposite effect of the gunas. Both weeks I went through the cycle of feeling alert and content, then irritated and bombarded with thoughts, then exhausted and worn out.
During the entire course I had the huge question of, “How am I ever going to be a good teacher?” I was so determined to be a teacher and had such confidence in myself, but as the course wore on, I kept judging and gauging myself. And what I saw was “not good enough.” I wanted to be “the perfect yogi,” the “perfect student” so I could be the best teacher ever. This pursuit of perfection kept me chasing my own tail. This want for perfection brought doubt after doubt – taking blows at my center, my strength. I was really beating myself up. And it was exactly what I needed.
I needed that beating to wear myself down. Guruji says surrender is already happening – and how you come to the realization is up to you. For me, I exhausted myself until I had no choice – there was nothing left to do but surrender. When your hands are full, you cannot receive. When your hands are full with garbage, you cannot receive the gifts bestowed to you.
And the gifts I received were a deeper sense of faith, a sense of belonging, and more strength. Listening to all the stories of Guruji, opening up to His grace, my sadhana going deeper and deeper, and lastly the talk the teachers gave all of us at the very end – about Art of Living and telling us what we were now a part of. When I first joined Art of Living, after I went to the ashram, I felt I finally had a family – a sense that was lacking before. And after the course, not only did that sense of belonging deepen, but gave me such strength. For here was something that I could devote myself to and receive such support from at the same time.
These gifts I have taken from the course and these gifts I am trying to continue to live out after the course. I find that in the following days of the course, the course is still continuing. The lessons are continuing. I hope to grow, build my strength, and be more of an asset to the world and those around me. Jai Guru Dev.
Kei Hashimoto (Japan), SSYTTC, PuTien, Fuzhou, China
